Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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