last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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