Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
