Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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