i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
