I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have aggressive nipples.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
