Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
