420 ftw
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
