You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I look better un-naked...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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