and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
