The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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