my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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