That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
