The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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