I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
