I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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