i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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