Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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