I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
