Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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