I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He passed out mid-signature
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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