I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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