I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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