im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
