If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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