He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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