420 ftw
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
