i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
