I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
