I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
