take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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