She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
