I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
