Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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