In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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