Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
