well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize