good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
