Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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