have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize