you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
