Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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