I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
