My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
