3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
