YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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