I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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