What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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