Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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