i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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