I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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