My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
