I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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