It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
