Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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