brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
