they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
