you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize